Blag

I’ve avoided commenting on mainstream news/popular internet stories in the past, given that the media + millions of bloggers around the world cover it in enough depth to submerge the Empire State Building.

But someone’s gotta do something about Stephen Conroy. My suggestions -

• Set fire to him
• Roll him up in carpet and throw him off the Sydney Harbour Bridge
• Impale him on top of the AMP tower
• Pour paint stripper on his car
• Drowning in tubs of creme caramel
• Force him to read George Orwell’s 1984 until he admits he is doubleplus ungood
• Leave a dead cow on his doorstep
• Leave a dead cow on his bed
• Substitute him with a dead cow (marked improvement, eh?)
• Stab him repeatedly in the left eye
• Public execution by network cable whipping
• Locking him in a shipping container and feeding his senses with a filtered reality
• Spanking delivered by Mr Rudd himself? *slap* Bad minister! *slap*
• Feed him to EFA’s or GetUp’s army of pit bull terriers (ok, well they don’t really have attack dogs)

Sniper assassination just seems too dull.

Have I left anything out?

Speaking of which, GetUp is about to start a national T.V. campaign to protest Conroy’s clean feed.

*See the bloatware name and shame list for alternatives and description of the problems encountered

Woo! Time for another (brief) rant at my favourite company in the world – Apple Inc.

Why are Apple developers so incapable of making a lightweight, fast and clean version of iTunes ans Quicktime?

They take forever to load, two years to install or upgrade and leave behind more debris upon uninstall that a shrapnel grenade. For f***s sake, installing a bloody antivirus program has less of an effect on your computer than iTunes/Quicktime, no joking. And why does Quicktime always crash? I bounced this idea off a couple of mates who do media/arts at uni, and the general consensus there about Quicktime on any non Mac OS computer is the same – utter crapola. Unstable, laggy, restrictive.

Ironic, their “I’m and Mac, and I’m a PC” ads.

Perhaps Microsoft should insert time delay trojans into MS Office for mac? Or maybe vulnerability exploiters when it detects a Mac user visiting their website?

To Apple’s credit, they got rid of Quick Time Task a while back.

For now, the only reason to keep iTunes is if you own an iPhone/iPod. I’d use Windows Media Player, if it’s library management weren’t so awful…

*Updated iTunes just then. Why of why does it have to restart my freakin PC? I haven’t done that in 14 days and 3 hours now… Even installing Norton, yes Norton Internet Security doesn’t require a restart. Get with the times, Apple!

It’s massive! It’s as attractive as the fecal matter ejected from the rear end of an elephant! What a monstrous…

Oh wait, he’s just wearing a NV Smart Phone wristwatch.

The nicest looking two in the range?

NV touts it as the latest in mobile phone technology. Sleek, sexy, functional (insert marketting waffle here). And in 10-20 years, it shall replace the traditional large screen mobile phone. The NV Smart phones aren’t cheap – they range from $399 to $999 AUD and come with a  1 year warranty. Good thing they come with a butload of extras – USB cable, headphones, bluetooth headset, 2 batteries as the iPhone looks much more attractive. The extras still don’t compensate for the tiny screen, pathetic battery life and the fact you look like a complete tool walking around with talking to your wrist. I can see lawsuits coming up here…

So not only do we have snobs walking around talking seemingly to nobody (read bluetooth headsets), we can now talk to our wrists!

Oh yes, all these phones are sourced direct from the sweatshops of China and rebranded. But wait! There’s more!

Models include -

• Motch
• Sports Pro
• Smart Watch

which all come in various colors. NV also produce “tranditional” mobile phones with the -

• Executive – 1:1 rip off of the iPhone in gold bling coloring
• Lifestyle – Samsung anyone?
• Multimedia Phone – PDA wannabe

The only thing going for their traditional phones is the ability to use 2 SIM cards. They do include standard features though – camera, mp3, mms, expandable storage, bluetooth etc).

As for NV’s website…

The website is entirely flash, hence the semi-retarded screenshot.

Whoever designed the website is useless f***wit. It’s entirely in flash and the streaking comets in the background are annoying. What’s interesting, is that the store locator tells you that the phone actually isn’t available for sale anywhere in Australia yet – probably because most retailers are smart enough to realise only rich bitches and only the most hardcore impulse buyers would even come within a 2KM radius of their products. As far as I can tell, the phone sells purely on the bling/novelty factor.

The company profile is complete waffle, the FAQs are an amusing read, and the “investment opportunities”… well, I’m not sure about that really, as they’re not ASX listed as far as I can tell? Site map doesnt work, and their environmental policy is a pathetic attempt at jumping on the green bandwagon.

Check it out: http://nvphones.com.au/ and CNET Australia’s dubious review http://www.cnet.com.au/mobilephones/phones/0,239025953,339294659,00.htm

What is this world coming to?

iPod skins, iPod screen protectors, iPod socks, iPod dock, spare iPod cables, iPod lanyards, iPod FM transmitters, iPod battery packs, iPod headphones. Which is fair enough, as their practical and (usually) relatively affordable.

But now the market is being saturated with the dumbest accessories ever invented. Have manufacturers nothing else to produce? Or are they trying to get in on the “i” craze, four years too late? Check it out -

• iPod desk lamps, for when a dock isn’t hip enough
• OhMiBod iPod vibrator for women… OK, fine, but has iVibe been trademarked already?
• iPod fish tanks for fish who enjoy feeling the vibrations from crappy $2 paper speakers (condemned by the RSPCA actually)
• School bags with ipod docks and built in speakers for those perfect children who treat their schoolbags like chinaware or those who feel that everyone in a 5m radius will appreciate their taste in music
• iDog’s – plastic toy dogs with bling leds and built in speakers, for the 9 year old that appreciates sweatshop goods (oh yeah, they also connect to iPod’s )
• iPod fibre optic Christmas trees, for when the good ol’ CD player just aint good enough for your collection of carols
• and the iFish (click here for more marine goodness)

I still have yet to see an iFridge. Perhaps an iFireplace would be good, so that the iPod would catch fire and teach the moron owner not to invest in such ridiculous products.

Seems like a reincarnation of the Y2K bug has slipped into 2006 30GB model Zune media players. They all bricked themselves on December 31st 2008, but Microsoft reckons that their internal clock should reset and all will be fine within 24 hours, on the 1st January 2009.

Dodgy leap year handling code apparently…

More info:

http://blogs.zdnet.com/microsoft/?p=1784

http://blogs.zdnet.com/hardware/?p=3233

While taking a stroll through Myer looking for specials on Boxing day (ignoring the housewives all clamouring to get a bit of Scanpan action), I came across a few items in the electrical section which caught my eye. (No they were not porn mag dispensers.)

• Electric pasta cooker
• Golf ball washer
• Hot dog machines
• Omlette maker

I am not sure which viewpoint I should take, so I shall present both points of the argument:

OMG some people are so freaking lazy and purchase stupid pointless appliances like these!!!

OR

WTFH, manufacturers produce these retarded products and people actually buy them?

In all serious though, you don’t need any of these things! They are for imbeciles who marry their sisters!

If you have dirty golf balls, then chuck them into a tub of water. Voila! The electric pasta cooker requires so much work that it would be easier to drive to the nearest Italian restaurant and pay through the nose for plate of tortellini. The omlette maker just happens to be an electric frypan, with round moulds welded to its base… * Brainwave * Or… buy an electric frypan for $5 cheaper and you can use it as an omlette maker and a frying pan! 2-in-1! The Asians and Curries will love that!

For the record, some of the jazzed up hot dog makers look more like futuristic sex toys, than cooking implements.

Every Christmas, Myer, Big W, Target, Bing Lee, Clive Peters, Good Guys, Retravision etc etc etc are flooded with all these stupid novelties – hot dog makers, pop corn makers, ice-cream makers, electric pasta cookers, 500-in-1 toaster ovens, omlette makers, pancake makers, proffertjes makers, milkshake makers, ice shavers, glorified toaster ovens, blinged up food processors with $30 cashback offers, multipurpose cooking utilities - whatever the hell they are.

STOPPIT! Cease and desist from producing and “innovating” these retarded appliances, stop wasting impulse buyers money, help the environment, reduce electricity use and leave more shelf room for the chocolates!

Bad manufacturers! No profits and a spanking from Santa would be my gift to them.

…I’ll go back to making out with my hot dog maker now

Lo,

Well, time for another list. And this time, its for the most useless staff, customer service representative, supervisor, manager, help desk person, analyst or whatever you want to call it person.

I’ve even dedicated a page to it!

(Look on the RHS)

It will be updated whenever I am so ill fortuned to meet one of these vegetables, whether in person, on the phone, or over the interwebs.

Collection of stupid/redundant quotes from the interwebs and real life:

“That is like saying a toaster is very cheap, compared to a new Ferrari.”

“We can’t upgrade to a higher quota internet plan, as you might use the extra quota”

“My BIOS is faster than yours”

“My penis is a pizza oven”

“Hard drives need to be dropped the very first time to unstick the glue they use to stick the heads”

“I’m sorry sir, but you’ll need to upgrade your computer before you can install the youtube”

“Console controllers are more accurate for sniping then a mouse”

“The UBS doesn’t fit!”

“You can plug you PS3 into a TV – cant do that with a PC”

“If its not iTunes it sucks”

“The tubes are clogged”

“You cant edit movies on a PC”

“My computer is faster – it had a bigger HDD than yours”

“Can you use DDR2 in DDR1 mobo?” … “Can i cut it to fit”

“The lines at MSY are long”

“No one can try this fishing thing on me! I use a mac, and that’s invulnerable to viruses”

“OMG sex involves bodily contact?”

“Illegal activity is illegal activity… and child pornography is child pornography”