Blag

Wow. 2 months without a post.

I stumbled across this little gem a few days ago:

Australia Post TELeGRAM

The TELeGRAM combines new age demands with
old world charm to offer you a quick, convenient
way to send a message that matters.

Create your messages on-line, select from a range
of images, and we print and post a hard copy of
your special message to any delivery point within Australia*.

*Terms and conditions apply.
See terms and conditions or call 13 13 18.

When it’s special, send a TELeGRAM.

Ordered on-line, delivered by mail.

Check it out at: http://www.auspost.com.au/telegram/

So, apparently you can choose from 12 templated TELeGRAM card thingies (the usual stock images – candles, bottle of champagne, rose with 2 hands, balloons, artistic spirals, love heart shaped cloud, baby hands, lush green tress, flower, roses, sparkler and plain white.) Not even an option to upload your own image.

You type in your message, agree to some legal waffle, press send and you can send that special message to that special person from the laziness of your chair.

All for the charming price of $4.50.

On the website, one of the images reads:

“Some messages are too important for a phone call, and too special for e-mail.”

THEN GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS, PICK A CARD YOURSELF AND DELIVER IT IN PERSON.

Do these look the same to you?

Well, that’s the only conclusion I can draw after Apple’s latest round of lawsuits in Australia.

Apparently Apple doesn’t want Woolworths to use their new fresh food logo any more, as it infringes upon the Apple trademark. So that means re-branding all their stores, staff uniforms, trucks, advertisements, product labels and so on. Apple is pissed as Woolworths filed for a blanket trademark, which could in theory allows it to use its stylised ‘w’ on electrical goods and computers, putting them in competition with each other. Given that Woolworths has already followed their US and UK counterparts in offering mobile phone plans, MP3 download credit and phones, I guess Apple might be worried.

But really – is that what Apple’s legal department comes up with, after 14 months of deliberation? “Uh, your logo is a ripoff of ours.”

*snort*

In other news, Apple is also suing Poison Apple, a music festival promoter who’s trademark is a bitten apple atop crossed bones, and Foxtel, as their new pornography channel’s “Adults Only” logo is an apple with an arrow and devil’s tail.

What else will they come up with next? Banning the Granny Smith Festival? Commission on any fresh produce store that sells apples? The local fruit market manager is quaking in fear…

Bleurgh. As you may or may not know, I hate social networking with a passion.

(I think I posted on this a while ago. Did I? Yes I did. I did so here!)

It eats into people’s lives, cutting them off from reality, breaking up relationships, running up huge phone and Internet bills and so on, not to mention the fact that once it’s posted, it’s out there for the world to see. Now throw in online predators, e-mail harvesting by SPAM bots, the 101 trojans and phishing scams that seem to plague Facebook and MySpace and you might begin to understand why people might be better off without it.

Actually, as a side note, I read in a user survey that there is actually a demographic rift between MySpace and Facebook users. (Damnit, lost that URL ) Apparently, all the educated White people are moving to Facebook, whereas MySpace has now become a trashy ghetto. Where that leaves the Asian, European and Middle Eastern people, I’m not quite sure. Well, I do have SOME idea – Asians have their own non-English forums and Web 2.0 SN websites, Europeans have their own ripoffs of Facebook written in gobbledygook, and the Internet is the tool of the devil used to disseminate vile pornography (according to the crackpot clerics anyway) so that leaves out most of the Middle East. And yes, I hate political correctness. And no, I will not make any attempt to censor myself, not for the sake of sheltered children nor radical far left Christians nutters either.

Side Note #2 – I hate you Fred Nile. You too, Stephen Conroy. May you rot in hell for eternity Fred Phelps.

Back on topic though. The idea of social networking DOES make sense, if you ignore the ego-flapping wars of “who has more friends on Facebook” and “I have more followers than you on Twitter”.

Speaking of Twitter – ce qui donne?

What’s the point of Twitter? According to it’s home page:

Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?

Of everyone I’ve asked (about 9), no one seems to comprehend the purpose of its existence. Of all the Twitter accounts I’ve ever looked at, all but 2 were utterly boring.

“OMG woke up and it was raining”

“my dog shit the carpet againz”

“lol, gonan go eat brekky now”

“Awesome, saw a new ad for Hershey’s ice cream”

lolwut? Stream of consciousness brain feeds delivered straight to the web? Most of the tweets I’ve seen aren’t even properly formed sentences. My mind is boggled – how can people be hooked onto such mindless jibber-jabber? Twitter IS mainly used by our Yankee counterparts, so that does explain it’s popularity…

The concept of micro-blogging does seem intriguing though – handy for when you can’t be bothered writing out a full article, or when you’ve got a funny video/pic to share.

*grumble grumble* #rant# <anger> RAWR! </anger>

Sigh… I need to get a Facebook for uni…

May as well start now. (Or however long I can procrastinate it.) *accepts invitation to join the dark side*

Oh dear.

The animal huggers (is that the right term?) are all up in arms again because Barack Obama killed a fly that was pestering him during a TV interview.

Boo freaking hoo.

PETA went to all the trouble of mailing Obama a “Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher” humane fly catching trap and released a public statement – “We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals. We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals.”

Now hold on a sec – Obama just swatted a fly that was trying to eat his head while he was on TV. It’s not like he sprouted horns out of his head and started performing satanic fly sacrificial rituals or something. Which brings us to an interesting point. I should therefore be a sinner rotting in hell (according to PETA anyway), due to the thousands of ants, spiders, flies, cockroaches etc etc I’ve killed in my life. And pest control operators are all poltergeists, Woolworths profits from the sale of pesticides are donated to Lucifer corp, and Mortein is the mecca of evil.

Like*, GET OVER IT PETA!

There’s millions of your own species living in poverty every day under the rule of dictators, thousands fleeing war zones and all you care about are flies. For f*** sake, if you’re gonna fawn over animals, make it a decent cause at least (eg bile bears, caged chicken farming, whaling and so on…).

*adds 5c coin to the ‘like’ jar.

It’s massive! It’s as attractive as the fecal matter ejected from the rear end of an elephant! What a monstrous…

Oh wait, he’s just wearing a NV Smart Phone wristwatch.

The nicest looking two in the range?

NV touts it as the latest in mobile phone technology. Sleek, sexy, functional (insert marketting waffle here). And in 10-20 years, it shall replace the traditional large screen mobile phone. The NV Smart phones aren’t cheap – they range from $399 to $999 AUD and come with a  1 year warranty. Good thing they come with a butload of extras – USB cable, headphones, bluetooth headset, 2 batteries as the iPhone looks much more attractive. The extras still don’t compensate for the tiny screen, pathetic battery life and the fact you look like a complete tool walking around with talking to your wrist. I can see lawsuits coming up here…

So not only do we have snobs walking around talking seemingly to nobody (read bluetooth headsets), we can now talk to our wrists!

Oh yes, all these phones are sourced direct from the sweatshops of China and rebranded. But wait! There’s more!

Models include -

• Motch
• Sports Pro
• Smart Watch

which all come in various colors. NV also produce “tranditional” mobile phones with the -

• Executive – 1:1 rip off of the iPhone in gold bling coloring
• Lifestyle – Samsung anyone?
• Multimedia Phone – PDA wannabe

The only thing going for their traditional phones is the ability to use 2 SIM cards. They do include standard features though – camera, mp3, mms, expandable storage, bluetooth etc).

As for NV’s website…

The website is entirely flash, hence the semi-retarded screenshot.

Whoever designed the website is useless f***wit. It’s entirely in flash and the streaking comets in the background are annoying. What’s interesting, is that the store locator tells you that the phone actually isn’t available for sale anywhere in Australia yet – probably because most retailers are smart enough to realise only rich bitches and only the most hardcore impulse buyers would even come within a 2KM radius of their products. As far as I can tell, the phone sells purely on the bling/novelty factor.

The company profile is complete waffle, the FAQs are an amusing read, and the “investment opportunities”… well, I’m not sure about that really, as they’re not ASX listed as far as I can tell? Site map doesnt work, and their environmental policy is a pathetic attempt at jumping on the green bandwagon.

Check it out: http://nvphones.com.au/ and CNET Australia’s dubious review http://www.cnet.com.au/mobilephones/phones/0,239025953,339294659,00.htm

What is this world coming to?

iPod skins, iPod screen protectors, iPod socks, iPod dock, spare iPod cables, iPod lanyards, iPod FM transmitters, iPod battery packs, iPod headphones. Which is fair enough, as their practical and (usually) relatively affordable.

But now the market is being saturated with the dumbest accessories ever invented. Have manufacturers nothing else to produce? Or are they trying to get in on the “i” craze, four years too late? Check it out -

• iPod desk lamps, for when a dock isn’t hip enough
• OhMiBod iPod vibrator for women… OK, fine, but has iVibe been trademarked already?
• iPod fish tanks for fish who enjoy feeling the vibrations from crappy $2 paper speakers (condemned by the RSPCA actually)
• School bags with ipod docks and built in speakers for those perfect children who treat their schoolbags like chinaware or those who feel that everyone in a 5m radius will appreciate their taste in music
• iDog’s – plastic toy dogs with bling leds and built in speakers, for the 9 year old that appreciates sweatshop goods (oh yeah, they also connect to iPod’s )
• iPod fibre optic Christmas trees, for when the good ol’ CD player just aint good enough for your collection of carols
• and the iFish (click here for more marine goodness)

I still have yet to see an iFridge. Perhaps an iFireplace would be good, so that the iPod would catch fire and teach the moron owner not to invest in such ridiculous products.

Seems like a reincarnation of the Y2K bug has slipped into 2006 30GB model Zune media players. They all bricked themselves on December 31st 2008, but Microsoft reckons that their internal clock should reset and all will be fine within 24 hours, on the 1st January 2009.

Dodgy leap year handling code apparently…

More info:

http://blogs.zdnet.com/microsoft/?p=1784

http://blogs.zdnet.com/hardware/?p=3233

While taking a stroll through Myer looking for specials on Boxing day (ignoring the housewives all clamouring to get a bit of Scanpan action), I came across a few items in the electrical section which caught my eye. (No they were not porn mag dispensers.)

• Electric pasta cooker
• Golf ball washer
• Hot dog machines
• Omlette maker

I am not sure which viewpoint I should take, so I shall present both points of the argument:

OMG some people are so freaking lazy and purchase stupid pointless appliances like these!!!

OR

WTFH, manufacturers produce these retarded products and people actually buy them?

In all serious though, you don’t need any of these things! They are for imbeciles who marry their sisters!

If you have dirty golf balls, then chuck them into a tub of water. Voila! The electric pasta cooker requires so much work that it would be easier to drive to the nearest Italian restaurant and pay through the nose for plate of tortellini. The omlette maker just happens to be an electric frypan, with round moulds welded to its base… * Brainwave * Or… buy an electric frypan for $5 cheaper and you can use it as an omlette maker and a frying pan! 2-in-1! The Asians and Curries will love that!

For the record, some of the jazzed up hot dog makers look more like futuristic sex toys, than cooking implements.

Every Christmas, Myer, Big W, Target, Bing Lee, Clive Peters, Good Guys, Retravision etc etc etc are flooded with all these stupid novelties – hot dog makers, pop corn makers, ice-cream makers, electric pasta cookers, 500-in-1 toaster ovens, omlette makers, pancake makers, proffertjes makers, milkshake makers, ice shavers, glorified toaster ovens, blinged up food processors with $30 cashback offers, multipurpose cooking utilities - whatever the hell they are.

STOPPIT! Cease and desist from producing and “innovating” these retarded appliances, stop wasting impulse buyers money, help the environment, reduce electricity use and leave more shelf room for the chocolates!

Bad manufacturers! No profits and a spanking from Santa would be my gift to them.

…I’ll go back to making out with my hot dog maker now

Lo,

Well, time for another list. And this time, its for the most useless staff, customer service representative, supervisor, manager, help desk person, analyst or whatever you want to call it person.

I’ve even dedicated a page to it!

(Look on the RHS)

It will be updated whenever I am so ill fortuned to meet one of these vegetables, whether in person, on the phone, or over the interwebs.

Nathan Rees (Premier of NSW) has finally given in and reinstated the student free travel scheme. About bloody time too! The government can afford $1000+ payouts to people for financial help during the economic crisis, yet it couldn’t afford the $90 per student to subsidise a years worth of travel without some persuasion from the public.

Will you add me to your My Space? Add me as a friend on Facebook! Are you friends with Jeremy? Katherine wants to keep in touch with you!

And the list of cyber-ad-trash continues. If it were printed material in my inbox, i would be feeding it to my neighbour’s rabbit by now. (No, I do not like  the damn f#$! thing)

Some people like me have resisted the urge to sign up to 101 social networking websites – Facebook, Twitter, My Space, Tagged, Bebo, Refriendz, LinkedIn, Flickr, My Daily Flog, Live Spaces, Google Groups, Flixter, Classmates, Friendster, Last.fm, Live journal, Xanga…

Pretty soon, I’ll have sample invites from every social networking site on the net. Perhaps I should analyze their makeup, and start a social networking invite template business.

STOP SENDING ME F*CKN INVITES!!!!!!!

I don’t need to give away my personal details to an unknown offshore corporation to create a dossier on me to be able to keep in contact with you :@

Sheez…

Collection of stupid/redundant quotes from the interwebs and real life:

“That is like saying a toaster is very cheap, compared to a new Ferrari.”

“We can’t upgrade to a higher quota internet plan, as you might use the extra quota”

“My BIOS is faster than yours”

“My penis is a pizza oven”

“Hard drives need to be dropped the very first time to unstick the glue they use to stick the heads”

“I’m sorry sir, but you’ll need to upgrade your computer before you can install the youtube”

“Console controllers are more accurate for sniping then a mouse”

“The UBS doesn’t fit!”

“You can plug you PS3 into a TV – cant do that with a PC”

“If its not iTunes it sucks”

“The tubes are clogged”

“You cant edit movies on a PC”

“My computer is faster – it had a bigger HDD than yours”

“Can you use DDR2 in DDR1 mobo?” … “Can i cut it to fit”

“The lines at MSY are long”

“No one can try this fishing thing on me! I use a mac, and that’s invulnerable to viruses”

“OMG sex involves bodily contact?”

“Illegal activity is illegal activity… and child pornography is child pornography”